even though it's only diaryland, this whole online journal thing has allowed me to make some realizations about myself, about others. my latest epiphany: my life is at a standstill. you know that you're an emotional burn-out when all you can think to write about is what you did that day.
i had SUCH a weird dream last night. i was in this building for something- i dont remember what- with some guy i guess i liked and other people, and we went down an elevator to leave. when we got off, it was like judgement day or something and they were dividing us into two groups: the believers and the non-believers. this part really scared me, cause for some reason i was put into the 'non-believers' group. i remember my dad was there, but he was with the believers. even though the details are sketchy, i can clearly remember that i was freaked out; i thought i was going to hell. God, it was just horrifying. but then for some reason, we didnt go anywhere except home, where i was suspended from tv-watching because of my non-believer-ness. i dont know what it was all about. i hadnt even thought of anything like it the day before, which happens to me a lot and gives a reason- an explanation, a justification even... for what it's all about. the only thing i might attribute it to is that i watched vanilla sky last night and it kinda dealt with death and new lives and all of that. good movie, by the way, go rent it. i rented bandits too, it was pretty entertaining. good god, i feel like a movie critic.
added some more diaryrings, again. i am SO a ring-whore, except that i dont join them just for hits. that doesnt really work, anyway.. i just like a lot of things and expressing my like for them, see? i counted, too... the joys of a boring friday night. i have exactly 161. bloody hell!
they're offering driver's ed at my school starting next week. i have about zero levels of desire to take it, but i gotta, so im gonna. it's going to last till june 14, so we wont be able to go on vacation until then. we cant go the last week of june either, because miranda thinks she's going somewhere with her boyfriend billy that week. that leaves one week in between when we can go... shit, this summer is gonna go by fast. busy, and yet, unavoidably boring im sure.
adam wanted to do something again last night, and i once again i lied to him, on impulse. i said i had to go to my grandma's go eat dinner, lmao. i dont know why. what exactly am i avoiding? him? a relationship? fear of rejection? parking? (lmao, i cant get over that, rach. it's too funny) i tried to figure it out, but i just dont know. im sure the reason's there, some subconscious, childish explaination hidden under too many levels for me to uncover right now. or maybe i just dont want to? maybe i just dont care enough. well anyway, he has to work the whole weekend, so there's no chance of us doing anything. part of me is relieved.
went to tumbling today... i did alright for not being there in over 2 months, but i only got up to a layout with a spot. there's so much i still want to do, from a half to a ro-bhs-tuck-bhs-tuck. i guess it's a little frustrating that ive stepped backwards like that. i could do the rbtbt by myself and almost had the half, but now i dont even try them anymore. i want to be good, dammit! this girl from my school won first in the high jump at the track state final... which is cool. we're such a small school and we had a losing record this year, yet we always end up sending people to states. and they even end up winning a lot.
memorial days in the past have become days of highs and low lows- the lows being due to our 'good-times' family get-together/reunion thing we have on dad's side every year. agh, i cant take it. but there's an xf marathon on fx, probably the last one ever. so yay! im satisfied.
[ending rather abruptly to check on my ebay auctions] ive become addicted once again! it's sad. my new goal is to get memento for under $10 and some movie posters. i think im going to win the book 'a heartbreaking work of a staggering genius'- it ends in 2 mintues, so...yeah. hopefully.
friends <3
ash
rach
nika
skank
jess
mere
bri
shell
kelly
laura
jamie
kris