you'll die trying to live this down

we keep pretending the sun will not rise
January 31, 2004 / 11:31 pm

yeah, i put a lock on this because im paranoid.

well, it had to happen eventually.

good moods for no discernable reason dont last forever.

neither do lonely/melancholy/bored moods, but it looks like this one's at least going to be spending the night.

i hate it. when he's around, everything i do is done for him- to impress him, to get his attention, whatever. it's always what's he going to think about what ive said?
and so i think too much. i try too hard.
i need to stop trying, but i have no control over it at all. absolutely none.
and when he's not around, he's in mind most of the time anyway, as if he WERE there.

it doesnt matter how im feeling towards him at the particular moment. i can be annoyed with him, think he's immature, not funny, and wonder what ive been seeing in him and still, he has this appeal.

i cant even look at what ive typed, im so ashamed. because even if he did have some kind of idea about the whole thing, he'd never think it would be a 24/7 thing.

we dont have great conversations. i dont get a really insanely happy feeling when im around him. i dont get chills if i happen to brush up against him or something.

the lack of all this stuff that should be there makes me think (and this has been in the back of my mind all along) that my brain is just starving for a new obsession, for some kind of delve outside normalcy. searching for something random to crash into because otherwise, my life is in control and, i dont know, basically handable. and that is something that humans (well, some of us) just cant take for an extended period of time, so we sabotage ourselves.

i want to hate you half as much || as i hate myself