automatic supersonic...
ive got myself convinced that im not good enough. i continue to think that he sees something in me that's not even there, which is why nobody else sees it. what if - he has an idea of me built up in his mind, and he eventually realizes that this perfect perception is far from reality? if/when that happens, we'll be done, and ill not only go back to not-being-special-enough-to-be-completely-and-utterly-loved-and-adored.. it will be worse because i had a taste of it and now i know what it's like. this is why people become so dependent on relationships. they're afraid if HE doesnt want them, there will be no others. i get it. maybe im wrong about this, but i feel as if there's something you get out of a partnership that you cant get yourself, even if you're completely content with who you are, completely content with being alone.
yesterday he started to draw a picture of me. he didnt like it, so he started over again and spent nearly an hour just on the outline of my face.
ive never thought of myself in that way. not worth spending 40 minutes on. not the first person anyone thinks of to draw, because there's always someone else, someone better.
ive never been a muse or an inspiration. definately not a part of art. that's some abstract concept that ive been separate from. whether it has some validity to it or not, i still feel unworthy. i just want to be better for him. and i realize how that makes me sound.
and yeah, it's a problem. it sucks. it's hard to be yourself around someone when you're constantly trying to be a better version of yourself.
im ticking off the days, seeing how far i can make it before the dream ends. is this even a good way to be spending my life, almost able to get to happiness, right over there, but not being able to get there because of this fear that apparently has everything to do with self esteem issues i never even knew i had... therapy!
funky fresh.
i havent written it here in sooo long.
friends <3
ash
rach
nika
skank
jess
mere
bri
shell
kelly
laura
jamie
kris